maggie told me she wanted to run away today. phil says i've made her feel like a burden and that she sees me with jack and is upset.

so i'm just proving to be the horrible parent he knew i was going to be. well it's a good thing he stopped me from having more kids, now isn't it?

a post not about my hatred for my husband's broken man bits... but about my lady bits!

This happened to me last pregnancy and is happening to me again. My lochia stopped around 8-10weeks, and then I started getting my period... every other week. EVERY OTHER WEEK! I am exclusively breastfeeding, it just doesn't seem fair haha.

I know there really isn't anything I can do to stop it (other than take birth control) but I really am more interested to know if this happened to anyone else, and if anyone has a theory as to WHY.

Bleeeding all the time! always bleeeeeding.

http://www.hybridher.com/articles/live/parenting/having-third-thoughts-momoir-project

http://www.blogher.com/baby-who-will-never-be-love-max?page=0,1

http://kyfirewife.blogspot.com/2011/03/i-want-more-babies-my-husband-doesnt.html

http://www.babble.com/pregnancy/conception/should-I-have-more-kids-deciding-to-get-a-vasectomy-regret/


looking up "getting over vasectomy" didn't yield anything but things for men, so i started looking up women upset that they don't get more kids, which was a little better... but i haven't found exactly what i'm looking for. not saying that when i find it, i'll feel any better.

phil told me to get over it. to do something else when i start thinking about it... i have found it easier to just not leave the house, since i can't control the things i see outside the house that upset me, and in the house i know the evils and can try to avoid them... the best that i can.

i have googled over and over and over again. how is it i have found the only thing to be upset about without some sort of support group? i really just want to stop feeling this way.

i had my post-postpartum appointment, since the whole still bleeding 2 months thing. got a "uterine remnant" removed. and was prescribed birth control pills to see if that would stop the bleeding. well, also because after maggie i ended up having my period every 2 weeks... so like a pre-emptive strike on that.

but i don't want to take them.

and not for the normal reasons (hormones and shit). but because i don't want a constant daily reminder that i don't need them because i'm forced to be sterile. like i don't think about it inappropriately enough already.

so i'm holding off. because crying every couple days sucks enough without it being every single day.

first i want to post a convo between my bff tara and me, because she put so well into words how i feel/felt/feel about the vasectomy issue:

( long convo about feelings post forced sterilization )


and now, a couple thoughts in response to this: http://theleakyboob.com/2011/12/blue-hair-ultrasound-5-girls-and-sugarbaby/

everyone knows i really wanted a boy. everyone. i was one of 3 girls... and if someone said to my mom "i hope you finally get that boy"... I WOULD HAVE AGREED! i was so upset that my youngest sister was a girl that i still remember the disappointment almost 20 years later.

if jack had a vagina would that change anything? no. we would just have to had picked a different name. was a very happy that he has a penis? yes! why? because it's different! i've had girls my whole life (first with the little sisters, and then maggie) it was just a change!

i mean, just because he's a boy now, doesn't mean he will chose to stay a boy... so really, nothing is set in stone... ever. but it's different! and i wanted different!

i also see her with her 5 (almost 6) kids and am insanely jealous. pre-V i would have thought 6 kids was crazy... and now that it is never going to happen for me, i just feel... robbed.

and it also makes me think that maybe the "one of each, you're done now!" thought played a part in phil's fast and final decision. or if jack was a girl, would he had done it...

i also am having thoughts of... does phil think i'm a bad mother? that i can't be an awesome mom of 6? that two is all i can handle and he doesn't want me ruining more children?! see this is all i think about every night, every time i see a baby, every time i see a pregnant woman, every time i see a freaking baby OUTFIT for god sakes.

WHEN WILL THIS END?!?!?!

In the scheme of my life, I don't know if years from now this will be one of the big traumas... But the inability to sleep at night or go an hour without thinking about it, is really making it hard to get over.

I'm starting to not want to put Jack down or let other people hold him out of fear of him aging without me noticing.

I am hoping this isn't the rest of my life.

Even though I've known he was gonna do it, and it was even postponed so I had more time to get used to it... I walked in after his procedure (he had a friend bring him, and I was out, so when I came home he was there) I just broke down. He's just sitting there, broken. He did it. Why should I think he cares what I think about anything? If he is fine getting a major surgery without considering my opinions, why would he about anything else. I'm at a huge "what the fuck" in my life right now. And I can't stop crying and hitting things, Im so goddamn angry.