I'm posting this using voice type on my iPad because apparently I am anti-typing all of a sudden I just want to ramble on and on. So excuse any strange miss types.

So I know you're all just very very interested in what has been happening in my life. Period. Not. well I've been on Paxil for two months now and it got really really well really good um... for a little bit as you saw on my last post, my video if you did see that.

It still um... way better than it was before it's just, I guess my body has adjusted to the Paxil so and I am kind of like not as good as I was before, but not as bad as I was previously... if that makes any sense.

I'm worried about upping the dose because I don't want to be a "pillhead" but I want to feel normal again and it seems crazy that I'm calling that couple of weeks where I didn't feel the anxiety normal because I never thought I had anxiety!! I never thought I had a "problem" I just... that was normal to me and now I don't want to go back to what was "normal".

And I completely understand how the vasectomy made me crazy... Um, crazier, because the anxiety on top of the sadness over the vasectomy made me think constantly about the vasectomy because of how anxious I was about my future being different now... And other crazy things.

And also the way that my anxiety works... Well, I don't know if everybody's anxiety works this way, because im new at this... but mine got worse if I see something that reminds me of something in the past that upset me or embarrassed me. I start thinking about that painful experience, and can't stop. and being a mom and being surrounded by other moms, which is something I enjoy, but also reminded me that I could no longer be a new mom. that my years of being a new mom of being pregnant and of all the things I enjoy about new motherhood was now over.

And I mean talking about it now makes me sad, so I'm still... I'm obviously just not over it quite yet. but I can still see a am light at the end of the tunnel... I mean just because I cannot have any more traditional children doesn't mean that children, um, more children are out of the equation forever. And now I can definitely focus on Maggie and Jack more and it is easier to plan things for the future now. There are pros and cons obviously and I can see that more objectively now.

It's just the anxiety I've been having, not just vasectomy related anxiety, is still there. and it's funny in a way, that I never noticed how intrusive it was on my life until it wasn't there anymore, as I said before.

I'm working on more than anger about the vasectomy in therapy... We are talking about dealing with the anxiety blah blah blah but seems a little crazy to me. I'm not completely sold on therapy yet haha.

Phil and my relationship is a lot better now just because we've been able to just enjoy each other more which is great. Um I don't know if it's strictly with The Paxil because I just have more time for him since I'm not constantly thinking about things that don't matter anymore.

I'm also just starting to get back into the swing of things working... It's hard to stay on top of yourself being a business owner and your own boss when you're so inside your head stressing about things um... it's just been a lot easier and I'm trying to get back on track because I need to make money and I need to work!

Jack is just growing up so fast! which isn't helping the vasectomy anxiety at all he's already starting to walk assisted! holding hands you can he can walk across the room! he pulls himself up on things and is not even six months yet what the hell!

And I caught Maggie "playing" with herself in the bathtub in an adult way... why are my babies going up sofa's?! <--- lol... So fast!?

Ugh. Ok that's all for now. Have to change a diaper and pick Maggie up from preschool. life goes on!

hopefully I will post again soon no promises sorry guys I suck at journaling bye

yeah, lame excuse for an update. about crazy pills and therapy and craziness. 15 minutes long... whaaaat?



as i said. i keep meaning to post, i really do. i keep meaning to do a bunch of things. life is hard. where is my personal assistant?

http://i.imgur.com/wOzNd.png

:-/

Just left my first therapy appointment... And I feel like nothing happened. Well, firstly, the guy reminds me so much of my friend sarie's dad it's a little scary looks-wise. He's also a little racist and classist, and seems to think everyone in newbedford takes drugs. And this is only from an hour of talking to this guy.

So needless to say I don't think we will be hitting it off easily. But I am going to go back next week, so we'll see.

He just said that it was hard to get over a betrayal and that the way Phil and I are talking is not working, so he suggested I read a book about communicating... I'm not so sure that this is the answer. Even a little bit. But we will see.

About the Paxil, strangely enough I think it is working. Which is like... Kind of unnerving. Phil has the "confirm you have no more sperm ever" appointment tomorrow... And while in the beginning of the week (Monday & Tuesday) I was pretty upset and felt a real sense of dread about it... I no longer really do. Which is so strange. Even when talking about the situation with the counselor it didn't upset me nearly as much. Though, it's kinda like... Sure it's ok now, but what about 4 years from now?

I've also just tried to be more close and in-tune with Phil, which I think is helping... But I don't know i I just started doing that because of the meds. If I felt more comfortable and not angry because of the pills... Which is kinda like... Well, does it matter as long as its working? Or is it only working because something idioms brain telling me it's not important anymore?

It's very confusing... But the rub is, I do feel better. Though I am EXHAUSTED. Like so so so so so tired. I take the pill at 10pm and now it's like physically impossible to stay up past 1am without caffeine which is sort of affecting my work, since that's when I work the most, when everyone is asleep. Also effecting my work is the cuddling and doting on Phil, as weird as that is. Since I would normally be sitting by myself and editing, now I'm with him and it's distracting haha.

I really need to sit down and re-organize my life if I'm going to make this work. As sad as it is, the answer might be a constant flow of caffeine to try and be more awake and alert to be more productive. I mean, the house still needs to be cleaned, and dinner still has to be made, work still needs to be accomplished, now more than ever that I no longer receive unemployment and now have to depend on the business to provide my income. :-/

No other big side effects of the pills other than the fatigue a little nausea, and on Tuesday a scary vertigo-type almost faintly spell, but it passed and hasn't re-orrcured since.

Will update again soon! I want to try to keep track of all this since I can't remember shit anymore anyway.

Pretty decent post if I do say so myself.

i have a therapy appointment. it's with a man. i don't know how i feel about that. am i sexist? hmmm.

i have a prescription for paxil. i am scared shitless of taking it. i can only find bad things about it online... but i have a followup appointment with my gen pract. (who was actually nice for the first time EVER, she didn't even look like the same dr i saw the past 2 years) in a month to discuss if i think it worked or not... so i figured i will give it a shot, and if i hate it, i can talk about it in a month. because i can't be like "I CAN'T TAKE THIS IT'LL DO THIS AND THIS AND THIS"... without me taking it first... right?

i am about to take my first pill... i'm worried! but if it will help... then i will help. and if it doesn't, then i'll stop.

i'm also very worried i will gain a shit ton of weight.... MORE FATTERRRRRR MOST FATTESTTTTT

argh. life. too much. i just want to feel better, but not be all drugged up and crazy. nervous!